As we all know, times are tough right now.

 Car manufacturers are acutely aware of this and have gone on the offensive by offering incredible discounts and incentives to lure you into the showroom.

I know that premium marques cannot overtly discount as readily as your average car manufacturer but thought it might be an interesting exercise to go into the Ferrari dealership near me and see exactly what they were prepared to offer in order to move a vehicle off their forecourt.

Selling luxury cars is not as easy as it sounds, competition is tough and customer experience and satisfaction are paramount – I was posing as someone with in excess of £100k in my pocket and expected to be treated accordingly – Oh boy, was I in for a massive SHOCK!

I walked into the showroom and was ignored for the first five minutes. Let me paint the picture in a little more detail:

I was the ONLY customer in the showroom, the showroom is in the middle of nowhere so foot traffic isn’t exactly sky high and in this game every potential lead counts.

I could see two sales people chatting to the receptionist, which is probably why no one noticed me and there was also another guy lazily tapping his podgy fingers against his desk while staring blankly at his computer screen… until finally he chose to look up.

We held eye contact (nothing too romantic) and I expected him to bolt up, walk over and begin assessing which of the shiny motors he could sell me but instead he chose to look straight back at his screen – By this point I am getting pretty annoyed.

I walk over and ask if there is anyone who can sell me a car. He smiles and begins to remember what he gets paid for.

“Finance or personally funded?” he blurts out… still less interested in me than the game of online Scrabble I can now see on his screen.

I answered finance and was immediately escorted to the Finance Directors office to see how much I was good for – This is fine but I haven’t even found a F%$&ING car I’m interested in yet!

I hold my temper down and eventually get the verdict and based on the (ficticious) details I had given, I could afford some of their cars.

The overweight salesman comes back and still doesn’t want to show me any cars. Instead he starts telling me how expensive the cars are to insure. I ask him if he sells insurance as well… he doesn’t get my sarcasm – If I wanted insurance advice, I would have asked a meerkat not a fat bloke in a S%$T suit…. just sell me a bloody car.

Anyway, I get paraded past serveral cars in garish colours, turn my nose up at all of them and the sales guy resigns himself nto taking my details, checking the stocklist and getting back to me – Fine.

“Name” he says - Okay, I’m happy to give that.

“Phone number” – Fine, you can have that too.

“Email” – I don’t want to give you my email address for marketing purposes, can I opt out?

He doesn’t understand what opting out is, so I explain and he assures me in no uncertain terms that Ferrari would never dream of partaking in any direct marketing activities, they don’t have to. They only make direct contact when they have found the vehicle you have requested.

I am a little sceptical but go with it all the same – He has not ticked any ‘opt-out’ boxes but has spun me a load of bullshit that I believe… for the time being.

I finish giving my details and get in my car and start the 20 minute journey home.

Before I have even reached home, I receive my first piece of Ferrari SPAM in the form of a text message – OK, I am vaguely impressed that they are using SMS marketing but outrageously annoyed that they have spammed me, given me no way of opting out and no real value in the message – It read: Thanks for your enquiry & I very much look forward to helping in the purchase of your next vehicle. Regards Phil.

Rubbish.

The next day I called to complain about the shite service I had received – For decades Ferrari had been etched into my brain as a Superbrand but this status was rapidly depleting because of several easily correctable mistakes, mainly: SPAM marketing and crap salespeople.

I spoke with the general manager who went to great lengths to reassure me that SPAMMING was not in their policy and I would not receive any more unsolicited communication and that he would personally find me the car I was looking for.

Great stuff – This guy was not going to get it wrong, he was in charge and therefore responsible for the safekeeping of an iconic brand image and the first class customer service that goes with it, surely I would not be disappointed again.

I was. BIG TIME.

A week went by without any contact regarding the car I was looking for, no messages saying they had found anything similar, that they were still looking or even that they couldn’t help me right now – Just deafening silence.

This silence was only broken by another SPAM message, this time in the form of an email entitled: ‘Pre-owned vehicle of the week’

For a second I thought they had found me a suitable car… until I realised that it was just a generic email trying to flog a manual when I had specifically requested automatic.

I called the GM again to explain in detail why I took so negatively to this irrelevant contact, his take on it were that times were tough and they were doing all they could to sell vehicles – Our conversation ended abruptly when I explained to him that using irrelevant/neanderthal marketing methods with a relatively sophisticated audience would result in a loss rather than gain in revenue.

I cannot believe that Ferrari HQ do not monitor their franchisees sales activities more closely – They are in desperate need of appointing a specialist agency for each territory that the vehicles are sold in to oversee communications. I can suggest several.

Needless to say, I did not buy a Ferrari and I never will, even if I do make many millions.

The cars are beautiful but their sales efforts are certainly not.

Selling a high-end product is not a numbers game, it is all about finding needs and ensuring relevance.

My verdict: Buy a Porsche.